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nessa

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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2012|11:16 pm]
nessa
I'm deleting this journal..it was for a life that never really existed to begin with. A lot of shit has went down that I haven't written about. Really bad things. And really good things. All you have to know is that I'm happy now with someone new and concrete and I have refused to no longer feel the need to spend another second wallowing in darkness. I am going to miss all of you, don't be a stranger.

Http://www.facebook.com/acciokittens
cutenosebleed@gmail.com
Http://likeorpheus.tumblr.com
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(no subject) [Jun. 11th, 2012|07:24 am]
nessa
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[Current Location |US, California, San Diego, Cowley Way, 3678]

I want to wear his shirts all day

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Please don't leave too [Jun. 5th, 2012|11:21 pm]
nessa
The past three months have felt like a fucking lifetime. I barely made it out alive through all the shit but I have found someone who makes me smile all day long..I'm starting over.
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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2012|07:55 pm]
nessa
why are you stalking me, what do you want to know? i don't even fucking know you and i've never done shit to you. when i started fucking him again he claimed to have cut you out of his life completely. and even then, he never told you he would be yours exclusively. there hasn't been a single day since you fucked my then boyfriend of 4 years that i haven't felt like shit. did you know we've been best friends since we were 15? do you know how horrible that night was for me? did you really ask what my problem was when i pushed you out that door, really? and what living here again is even like? it's true that he still loves me. but everything that has ever mattered to me was destroyed and all i am capable of now is aching. and empty distractions. everything still fucking hurts. all this is because you just had to have what you wanted no matter who was involved. i hope the orgasm was worth it.
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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2012|04:19 am]
nessa
[Tags|]
[Current Location |US, California, San Diego, Pascoe St, 1282]

I like how someone I've never even seen or spoken a single word to decides she knows me well enough to determine that I'm a fucked up person who's out to ruin lives. slow clap-

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Cocaine [Apr. 7th, 2012|01:14 am]
nessa
Maybe none of it was real. I don't believe anything anymore and my heart is literally sore from aching.
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I should have stayed away [Mar. 30th, 2012|06:44 am]
nessa
I went to my ex's apt to see my dog unannounced. Most of me was nervous as shit about what I might find and I sat in front of an abandoned church and chain-smoked parliaments even though I don't smoke and listened to the mountain goats tallahassee twice through. I guess I kind of had a gut feeling about everything, and I guess I figured I would need to know what was going on

Nobody was home. The door was unlocked and it smelled like a girl had just showered. The last time I was over, we fucked on someone else's blanket and he told me he was letting his friend keep her shit there because she couldn't move in with her boyfriend yet. He told me the girl he cheated on me with was not someone he had feelings for, just a revenge fuck to make him feel better about the fact that he ASKED ME A MILLION TIMES TO FUCK JOSEPH. Anyway, they came up together back to the apt.

For a split second I saw him scared and surprised and then his face quickly contorted itself into someone else's, someone who didn't want to see me. He kept asking me why I was there, trying to make me look like a crazy ex who was trying to get back with him. Saying loudly (because she refused to leave us alone) that we were done even though what I was saying had nothing to do with the fact that I WAS THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH THIS LYING CHEATING MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE.

It was like a big adrenaline rush watching all my nightmares come true. Like some alien had taken over the boy I had loved for nine years. He kept denying that he sent me sweet txt messages and that we were still fucking. For her sake. I just sat there in shock, just waiting for anything real to come out of his mouth. Nothing. Just bullshit on top of bullshit when just the day before he had smiled so happily when I tricked him into kissing me.

I told the bimbo everything, and she said she had to deal with lies too. And I said why would you put up with this shit? And she said it was because she was homeless. I can't even..we broke up like 2 weeks ago and there's already another chick using my things with her shit where mine used to be. I'll never see my dog again or any of my books and movies. All those years we built together, gone over a fucking pussy. Who has the capacity to hurt someone this much?

I told him he was lower than shit and he said okay looking especially unaffected by the fact that that was definitely the last time I was ever going to see or talk to him.

I felt...really free at first. Finally able to just cut him out completely. Then unbearably angry. Only a little sad. I'm still numb.

I went to the beach with Sandra, the one where we spent his first birthday that I was there for making out in our underwear at night. I lay in the sand and hoped the white sky would fucking swallow me while Sandra read outloud from a Buddhism book. It was calming.

Then I drank and smoked at Eli's and sat myself in the middle of a band playing outside. They were adorable and I let my hand and eyes linger on the guitarist's when I was introduced to him. He hugged me goodbye later and asked if I would come to his show tomorrow. I said yes not even knowing when or where it was. Just thinking I will say anything you want me to.
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(no subject) [Mar. 14th, 2012|12:42 am]
nessa
Why would he do this to me? I keep asking myself. Keep wanting to ask him. Keep seeing her tucked into my bed under my blanket, dark skin, no make up, red hair, work clothes. Finding their name badges together on the table. Her touching my dog. Saying my dog's name. Wearing his hoody. Why? How? So this is how people turn into douchebags. I'm using other boys to try and fill the big fucking void that I feel like I'll have to walk around with for the rest of my life. Fuck. I want to listen to something loud and dissonant. Smile at every male I see. Feel good enough, even for a second, for anyone. I'm still alive. Talking, laughing, dancing, singing. Sometimes I wonder if maybe my pride hurts more than my heart does. I just can't believe it. I miss..I've been missing us. I knew when I was crying and holding you that night months ago before you went out that I was slowly losing you. I felt it. It happened like this before. Boy meets me, is infatuated with me, we carry on together having the best days of our lives, boy makes group of friends, spends less time with me, I get sadder and sadder, boy cheats on me, I punch and kick boy in the dead of night screaming. I'm going to try to not let it happen again. I'm still young, and not very unattractive. I'm not completely hopeless. I am free from the prison of wondering whether you still love me. I can't deny how I wasn't happy with you. How fucking ecstatic I was to just have you hold my hand and walk with me down the street. Because I'd almost never have you. How I always fucking loved you as much as I have from the beginning (though you started as a rebound) and how you faded away from me and said feelings like that don't last. I guess I'm not a saint either. I guess I should have known better to think that you'd really be okay with me really fucking Joseph. And if you would have fought hard enough, I know I would have begrudgingly taken you back. And the cycle would repeat itself forever. I would be sad about you forever, instead of just sad. And maybe I would have preferred that...but I can't force you to love me the way I love you. I can't force you to care enough to try. So, goodbye ocean eyes.
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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2012|11:48 pm]
nessa
i can barely recognize myself these days
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strangers only [Jan. 9th, 2012|01:42 am]
nessa


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